


What are stars made of?

by ChickenXD



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: I'm Sorry, M/M, he ded, where the hell is my ryuujisa tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-19 15:31:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4751561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChickenXD/pseuds/ChickenXD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Isa and Ryuuji go look at the stars....<br/>BBL spoilers we know what happened here</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this isn't..... quite done yet maybe when it is i'll rearrange my shits i'm sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you guys read focus on the hawks you pretty much know what happened this chapter.....

         “A meteor shower is coming, Isa-kun!”

         Ryuuji was bouncing around excitedly in his chair, like a boy excited for his birthday. Isa was seated next to him, typing up a report. “Let’s finish early today so we can see it together, Isa-kun!”

         “Is it alright with the others, though?” Isa asked without looking up. “We’re not really done with the last project…”

         “Don’t sweat it, I’ve got permission from Very Important Birds! And you haven’t taken a day off in a while, Isa-kun!” Ryuuji assured. “We should go buy some food while it’s still light out! Look, I’ve even made a list!” He took out a piece of crumpled paper out of his pocket. “Let’s see… marshmallow, senbei, mochi, miso, cookies, and meatballs… you have anything particular in mind, Isa-kun?”

         “…not at the moment.”

         “This is so fun! It’s like camping with your classmates! Ah, I feel young again!”

         “…at what time will we be leaving, sensei?”  
         “As soon as you finish your report!” Ryuuji got up from his chair and started dancing. “Go, Isa-kun, go!!!”

 

        

         The place Ryuuji took him to was a dark, quiet spot on top of a hill, where the grass were as tall as Ryuuji’s knees. There were some birds expecting them at the foot of the hill, but once they were on the top, they were alone.

         “This is such a nice place, Isa-kun!”

         The stars were spread out beautifully in the night sky, like small crystals floating on the sea in a dark night.

         Isa tugged at the hem of his blue sweater as he nodded. The wind was somewhat cold…

         “But sensei,” Isa said, “We could’ve used the astronomical observatory – it would be much more convenient.”

         “Well, it’s not like I’m planning to make a ground-breaking discovery today…” Ryuuji took out some of the foods and started arranging wood for a fire. “We’re just here to have fun! I mean, it’s always fun to go out and eat miso soup with everyone!”

         “…I see.”

         “And I want to see how you behave outside, Isa-kun! You’re always such a shut-in!”

         Ryuuji poured some kerosene on the wood and threw a lit match, lighting the bonfire.

         “Alright! Let’s cook some soup! Can you get me the miso stock, Isa-kun?”

         Isa started fishing through the paper bags while Ryuuji took out a pot and filled it with water. As he put it over the fire, Isa was busy reading the directions at the back of the package.

         “It says we have to put a tablespoon for every two hundred millilitres of-“

         “Ahh, it doesn’t have to be perfect!” Ryuuji took the stock from Isa’s hand, and dumped at least half of the contents into the pot. “As long as it doesn’t come out to be curry or something! Let’s get the ramen out, now!”

         Isa only sighed as he once again went through the paper bags.

 

         The soup ended up being too salty for Isa’s liking, but at least it wasn’t curry.

         “The soup tastes good, doesn’t it, Isa-kun?”

         Isa gave a nod, despite not being sure if he could finish his share. Ryuuji had finished his, and was roasting marshmallows.

         “By the way, Isa-kun, I’ll be out starting tomorrow till next Tuesday, so please watch the lab for me! Oh, and try to tell Miru and Kaku a story every night if you have time!”

         “Understood.”

         “I’m going to meet a geologist!’ Ryuuji announced excitedly. “The earth, the sea… the world is filled with so many interesting stuff! But you don’t really like the outdoors, huh, Isa-kun?”

         “…that’s not the case. Physical activities just happened to be my weak point, since I don’t have much strength.”

         “Then, when you grow up and become strong, let’s go on an ocean expedition!”

         Ryuuji removed his half-burnt marshmallows from the heat, and looked up into the sky. Myriads of tiny stars filled the night sky, like glitter spilled on a black carpet. They seemed so small, like anyone could just reach out their hands and grab one, but they were in fact far, far away, out of reach…

         “Quiz time!” Ryuuji exclaimed. “What are stars made of, Isa-kun?”

         Isa put his half empty bowl on the ground. “Hydrogen and helium, right?”

         “Not just that! Nitrogen, metal, and the souls of birds whose names have returned to the skies!”

         _That’s just like the fairytale of the rabbit who lives in the moon,_ Isa thought quietly. “Then why can’t we find new stars every year?”

         “Because,” Ryuuji stretched out his arms, “The universe is ever expanding, Isa-kun! Some things are just out of sight!

         “Are you done with your food? I’ll turn off the fire now!”

         Ryuuji poured some water on the wood, extinguishing the flame. Isa noticed then how cold the air had gotten – it was probably quite late in the night, he didn’t have a watch with him – and quickly regretted not wearing a thicker outerwear.

         “Do you see any constellations, Isa-kun?”

         “…if there are any, I wouldn’t recognize them. I’m not very good with astronomy.”  
         Ryuuji got his telescope out, and pointed it to the sky. Isa sat down next to him, but instead of looking at the stars, he was looking at Ryuuji.

         It struck him then, that he had never really learnt how Ryuuji looked like save for his eye colour, thanks to his warped perception of the world.

         Ryuuji’s eyes were so bright and red, as beautiful as rubies.

         “It’s a shooting star, Isa-kun!” Ryuuji pointed at a meteor in the sky. “Quick, make a wish, make a wish!”

        

         So the boy made a wish.

         That the world would just stop at that moment, that time would suddenly disappear and for everything to crumble beneath them, so that nothing in the world would never get to separate them.

         To be together, forever, with Kawara Ryuuji.

 

         “What did you wish for, Isa-kun?”

         Isa rubbed his hands together to ward off the cold. “… it’s a secret.”  
         “Oh, we’re gonna play that game now?” Ryuuji chuckled. “Tell me, and I’ll tell you what I wished for.”

         “…I wished…” Isa muttered shyly, “That… I can continue working with you.” _Yes, that sounds like a nice way to put it._

Ryuuji fell silent at that moment, and turned to Isa with a surprised look in his eyes. Isa wasn’t too sure how to feel now – his heart was racing so fast it felt like it could burst at any moment, and he could feel his cheeks warming up. Ryuuji was still looking at him –

         _Maybe I shouldn’t have said that,_ Isa regretted. _This is awkward…_

“…that’s a good one!”

         Isa could feel Ryuuji’s hand on his head, mussing his hair lovingly.

         “I wished for something along those lines, too!” Ryuuji claimed. “It’s so fun working with you, Isa-kun!”

         Isa could still feel his heart racing, but… it felt different now.

         Perhaps Ryuuji had felt the same, too – perhaps it wasn’t all in vain.

         “Wow, it sure is getting cold!” Ryuuji remarked. “Aren’t you cold, Isa-kun? I mean, if I feel it, you must feel it too, right?”

         Isa was reminded of the cold – all his nervousness about Ryuuji seemed to have warmed up the air a little. Winter was ending, but the air didn’t seem to be getting warmer –

         “I’ll be fine,” Isa said. “Kawara-sensei, you should get your coat…”

         “Come here, Isa-kun!”

         Ryuuji moved the telescope away, opened his legs, and patted the ground between them. Isa obediently moved to sit there, and before he knew it –

         Ryuuji circled his arms around Isa’s waist, holding him firmly.

         Isa felt his heart skip a beat. Ryuuji was so warm, like a blanket enveloping him – he could hear Ryuuji’s breath, could feel it on his nape.

         “Kawara-sensei…”

         “Well, this way I’ll warm you up, and you’ll warm me up too!” Ryuuji giggled sheepishly, “You’re like a compact little heater, Isa-kun! You’re so fluffy too!”

         Isa was silent, revelling in Ryuuji’s warmth. He had never been this close with anyone else, never let anyone got close to him –

         Being in Ryuuji’s arms felt safe, felt like home.

        

         “Feeling better, Isa-kun?”

         “Yes, sensei,” Isa answered. His eyelids were starting to feel heavy…

         “Are you sleepy, Isa-kun?” Ryuuji mussed his hair lovingly. “It’s fine! This is way past your bedtime, after all.”

         “I’m fine,” Isa assured. “I… want to see the meteor shower with you, sensei.”

         “Let’s wait for thirty more minutes, alright?”

         Isa gave a nod as he took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.

 

         Perhaps, the man had felt the same way.

         That he wanted to protect the boy, wanted to stay with him.

         For as long as time would allow them. Perhaps forever. If only time would break and disappear.

         Happily forever after, just like the end of every fairy tale.

         _That sounds really nice._

“I love you, Isa.”

         Isa turned to look back at the man, the surprise apparent in his eyes.

         “I love you,” the man repeated. “It would be wonderful… if we can stay like this forever.”

 

         _It feels like there’s something… something about Isa-kun that he doesn’t want anyone to see._

_Like that one time he cried when I told him about Ryouta. As if he’s hiding something from everyone but me._

_And it’s alright. I don’t have to know._

_Isa-kun is a wonderful person nevertheless, and I love him. I want to protect him._

_Isa is such a beautiful person._

 

         Isa turned around so that he was facing the man, and slowly stroked his hair. His bright purple eyes, looking into the man’s red eyes, was filled with a strange light –

 

         The boy wanted to say something in return, but the words were stuck in his throat.

         Because he didn’t know what it is like to love, or to be loved.

~•~

         “Good morning, Isa-kun!”

         Isa was adding the third tablespoon of milk into the coffee when Ryuuji walked in. He was carrying a gym bag and wearing a red Hawaiian shirt.

         “…you’re going to do laundry there, right?”

         “Well, if I’m very careful to keep my clothes clean, I can wear the same shirt for a whole week!”

         Ryuuji took the mug of coffee from Isa’s hand, drank everything in one go, and then gave him a light kiss on the forehead as he set down the mug. Ryuuji’s breath was warm, and it smelled of sweet coffee.

         “Call me if anything happens, Isa-kun!”

         “…enjoy your trip, sensei.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like at some point it got too gay for me to write............. don't try to describe love as an emotion it is HARD


	2. Chapter 2

  _It’s Tuesday now._

Isa watered his research subjects as usual, checked that the air ventilation is working properly, checked that Miru and Kaku are still alive and that the conditions of the incubation room would allow for their survival –

         Ryuuji would be coming back the afternoon of that day.

         “Merry Christmas!” “Merry Christmas!”

         “Christmas was two months ago,” Isa sighed as he put down their bowls of food.

         “Merry Christmas!” The two creatures didn’t seem to care. “Merry Christmas!”

          _This is all because of Kawara-sensei,_  Isa thought. They had a big Christmas party last year, and the twins are probably still so excited they wouldn’t shut up, or maybe they felt it was a very significant event that it was ingrained into their instincts – how troublesome.

         “Isa-san!”

         Isa turned to look at the door, where one of the lab assistants was standing.

         “What is it?”

         “K… Kawara-sensei,” she stuttered, her voice breaking. “He’s…”

 

         The world seemed so bleak at that moment.

        

         “We can’t allow you to go in there until we’re certain it’s safe, Isa-san.”

         “I’m from the biology division,” Isa tried to sound calm, but he could hear his voice shaking. “I want to help the doctor…”

         “Don’t put your life on the line like that, Isa Souma!” Tohri was yelling. “I’m… I’m worried too, but there’s nothing we can do!”

 

         Isa could hear the lab assistant crying behind him and her friends trying to console her, and quietly wondered whether or not he was crying, too.

         “Isa Souma.” He could feel Tohri’s hand on his shoulder. “I… I’m sorry.”  
         “…it’s not your fault.”

 

         It felt horrible – like his heart was sinking into his stomach.

         Kawara Ryuuji contracted a disease during his trip, one potentially lethal, and here he was, just a few metres away, unable to do anything.

         It felt like the world was crashing down around him, and he just stood there watching, waiting for something to smash him to death.

~•~

         It felt like an eternity had passed before the doctors stepped out of the surgery room.

         “Sensei,” Tohri called as he caught one of them. “How… how is it?”

         “He’s asleep for now,” the doctor replied. “We determined that the disease can only be spread through water, so it should be alright to see him once he wakes up. As for the disease…”

         The doctor paused briefly – not enough to make it awkward, but more like he was preparing himself to say something important.

         “It’s a very specific strain of virus that kills nerve cells in a short period of time.” The doctor glanced at Isa, as if expecting a reaction, but he was staring blankly at the floor. “It will reach his brain in a few hours, and, and then…”

         Isa got up from his seat and started to walk away.

         The world was spinning, everything was a blur –

         “Isa!” he could hear Tohri shout. “Isa Souma! Where are you going?”

         Isa didn’t reply. His head was throbbing, and his legs felt heavy. The world felt like a spinning cup going at maximum speed –

          _And then. And then Kawara-sensei will…_

_No, this can’t be happening. It can’t be. I refuse to believe this…_

He fell on his knees, leaning against the wall.

          _Impossible. This… can’t be happening right now._

For a second, the world was a big, grey blur.

         And the next, it was darkness.

 

         It all felt unreal.

         Just last week, he was looking at the stars with Ryuuji, wishing that they could be together, forever.

         I felt like being mocked, being lied to, by the gods.

          _It hurts._ It felt like the world had betrayed him.

~•~

         Ryuuji’s family came to visit him and he was awake for about an hour or so, but then he fell asleep again, so Isa decided to let him rest. He simply thought that he would be able to visit tomorrow, before he goes to work. He was slightly worried about Ryuuji’s sleep cycle, considering that the disease was going to affect his brain–

         By the end of the day, he felt tired. Mentally and physically.

         He tried to get as much work done as he could, but it was so apparent that everyone was distraught. Half of them left early, and Isa was pretty sure the other half stayed just to see if they could visit Ryuuji.

         He didn’t eat dinner. The food tasted horrible in his mouth and felt worse once he swallowed, so bad he had to throw up. The most he could manage was a few sips of tea.

         There was no news by nine o’clock, and so the rest of the biology department politely excused themselves and left. Isa was told to go back to his room, so he did.

         But he couldn’t stay there. It made him feel sick.

         The sky was cloudy that night, but he could faintly see the full moon shining through.

         His room felt cold and empty. As if something was missing, wasn’t in place…

 

         He wasn’t in place.

         Everything about the world as he knew it was crumbling apart, and he was pretending to not notice.

 

         “Isa-san, aren’t you sleepy?”

         “I’m fine,” Isa replied. “…what time is it?”

         “It’s two in the morning.”

         He decided to wait in the visitor’s room and to kill time by reading. The nurse on duty was sitting next to him, watching.

         “You don’t have to wait for me to leave. I won’t go anywhere.”

         “Are you sure?”

         Isa gave a nod, so the nurse stood up and left. Isa was now alone in the room – he could faintly hear the nurse’s footsteps as they faded away, the ventilator, and the occasional sound of him flipping a page.

         He was trying not to think about what was going to happen.

 

         About eighteen pages in, he heard the door click open. The doctor walked in, and the nurse who was sitting with him was there, too. They both seemed a little strange, but it was pretty late in the night – they were probably just tired –

         “Isa-san,” the doctor said, a tone of fear in his voice, “Kawara-san wants to see you.”

 

         “Sorry if I woke up you, Isa-kun!”

         Ryuuji was lying on the bed, an IV needle among other things stuck to his hand. Next to his bed was a machine that constantly beeped, measuring his heart rate and blood pressure. He had an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

         “Don’t worry, I wasn’t sleeping anyway.”

         “I can tell,” Ryuuji said with a smile. “You have to sleep, Isa-kun! Or else you’ll age faster!”

         Isa pulled a chair, and sat next to the bed. Ryuuji’s face was almost as pale as the white sheets, the bags under his eyes apparent. He looked nothing like he used to be…

         “You look horrible,” Isa remarked, but Ryuuji only gave a heartful laugh. He reached out his hand to take Isa’s, and looked at him dearly.

         “Sorry, Isa.”

         Isa gave no answer.

         Ryuuji, still holding Isa’s hand, looked out of the window. The sky was still cloudy, but at least for now, the full moon was visible, illuminating some of the clouds around it.

         “You can’t see the stars tonight,” Ryuuji muttered. “That’s too bad.”

         They remained silent for a while – the beeps were the only sound audible in the room.

 

         Isa couldn’t even think.

         Right now, Ryuuji was still with him, but –

         Everything had been happening so quickly that it felt like a blur.

         Time pressed on, mercilessly.

 

         “I’ve always known this is a possibility, Isa-kun.”

         “…yes, sensei.”

         “But I don’t regret the way I’ve done things.” Ryuuji fell silent for a second after that, then sighed. “No, I do have one regret.

         “My son… I haven’t done anything for him that a father should do. I promised to take time off in years… and here we are.”

         Isa didn’t say anything. Ryuuji kept looking out of the window, his expression unreadable from where Isa sat.

         “He’s a big boy now,” Ryuuji went on. “He’s going to start school next year… I guess I won’t get to see him off or anything like that. I wonder if he hates his father, I mean… I’ve been somewhat nonexistent in his life.”

         Isa had nothing to say to that – Ryuuji never went home much.

         “But he’s going to be fine,” Ryuuji said, his tone somewhat more cheerful. “He might grow up to hate me, but at least he’ll grow into a better person than me – I can tell that much.”

         Ryuuji then turned to Isa, a resigned, tired smile on his face.

         “Can you do me a favour, Isa-kun?”

         “Yes, sensei.”

         “If you ever meet my son, can you do something for him… in my stead?”

         “…that’s rather vague.”

         Ryuuji chuckled. “You don’t have to look for him or anything. Just if you happen to run into him. But he’s really nice, so I think he’d be too shy to ask for anything.”

         “The apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree, I see.”  
         “…is that supposed to be sarcasm, Isa-kun?”

         Isa shook his head. “I’ll keep that in mind. What’s his name again?”

         “Ryouta. Kawara Ryouta. But you won’t have any trouble recognizing him, I think.”

         Ryuuji continued to look at Isa – his expression was one of sadness and longing. He then slowly raised his hand that was holding Isa’s, and slowly, lovingly, mussed Isa’s hair.

         “You’re such a beautiful person, Isa,” he whispered. “Sometimes it horrifies me to think about what the world had done and will do to you. I…” Ryuuji heard his own voice tremble, and paused for a second. “It pains me to know I can’t protect you forever.”

          _Then don’t die,_ Isa wanted to cry out.  _Please. Please, don’t leave me alone._

“But I’m sure you’ll be fine, too, without me.”

          _That’s a lie,_  Isa wanted to scream.  _I can’t live without you. I don’t want a world without you._

“Isa.”  
         “I…” Isa took a deep breath, trying to calm himself, but he couldn’t.

         Something inside him was in pain, was crying. It wanted to get out, but Isa would not allow it. He must not.

          _Kawara-sensei is going to die._

_And I’ll never, ever be able to see him again._

“What are stars made of, Isa?”

         Isa looked at Ryuuji, bewildered. They just had this conversation last week –

         “Hydrogen, helium, nitrogen, and…”

         “You’re missing the most important part, Isa!”

         “…the souls of the bids whose names have returned to the stars?”

         “Exactly!” Ryuuji pointed out of the window. “So when you look up into the night sky, remember that I’m up there, somewhere, watching you!  
         “I’ll never, ever, leave you behind, alright, Isa?”

         Isa gave a nod. A big grin appeared on Ryuuji’s face as he once again took Isa’s hand in his.

         “Be happy, Isa. That’s all I ever want for you…”

 

         The man closed his eyes, and the machine fell silent.

         A silence that would never end.

 

        

 

         It felt horrible.

         Like a monster trying to crawl out of its shell.

        

         Isa slowly stood up and placed Ryuuji’s hand on his chest.

         Ryuuji was smiling. Anyone walking in right there and then would’ve just assumed he was asleep, dreaming of something pleasant –

 

         Something was screaming, crying.

         There was no way to stop it now.

         That something was trying to get out, trying to claim him.

         But the boy would not allow it. He must not.

 

         Isa carefully ran his hand through Ryuuji’s hair, and pressed a kiss on his forehead.

         “Good night, sensei. Sleep well.”

 

         The shell cracked, and slowly, like hourglass sand, the monster came pouring out of it.

          _I might as well be dead._

It felt like a thousand rubber bands were binding his chest, suffocating him, crushing his heart. His body felt weak, his chest hurts.

         The cracks in the shell grew bigger, and the monster continued to pour out of it.

         The silence felt sinking, suffocating. Sometimes the line on the machine would rise a little then fall flat again, but the boy knew better than to hope.

 

          _Everything hurts._

The boy covered his eyes with his hands, and coming from his chest was an intense pressure that felt like it would crush his heart, his whole existence. Like needles coming out of his heart.

         Like the sky had fallen and the heaviest cloud had crushed him to death.

         The boy could feel tears streaming out of his eyes. He tried to wipe them away, but they wouldn’t stop.

         The monster was free now. It held onto the boy, never letting go.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i jumped a little..... all of this happens after bbl  
> i have written nothing on bbl and idk if i will bc there's so much to cover on there.... we'll see

         “How are you feeling, Iwamine-sensei?  
         “…very uncomfortable, thank you for asking.”

         Kazuaki poured some tea into a mug and gave it to Shuu with his usual relaxed smile.

         “Do your feet still hurt? I’m sorry.”

         “No, you’re the one taking care of me, out of everyone.”

         Right, if anyone had looked at them as they are – a man on a wheelchair and another making tea for him – nobody would’ve expected that just a month ago, they were trying to kill each other.

         It made Shuu uncomfortable – like he was voluntarily stepping into a lion’s den.

         “Sorry that I’m not your typical sexy nurse,” Kazuaki poured himself some tea and put a sugar cube in it, “Let’s just say I feel sorry about my actions.”

         “We all know you’re not.”

         Kazuaki chuckled lightly. “Is it that obvious~?”

         Shuu poured the tea into the trashcan – he always did that every day, just to reduce the risk of being poisoned.

         “By the way, Sakuya-kun’s going to school today – let’s see if he can get Ryouta-kun out of there.”

         Kazuaki opened the curtains, and sunlight immediately poured into the room. The sun was shining brightly, and the sky was clear. The leaves sway a little along with the breezy wind. Some birds were playing on the park across the streets –

         “Do you regret what you’ve done to Ryouta-kun, sensei? I bet not.”

         Shuu didn’t say anything.

         “It’s kind of ironic, though. To think that you, too, can do things for reasons as abstract as love. And you actually were pretty damn serious about it, too~”

         “Look who’s talking,” Shuu interjected. “You were _that_ close to killing Kawara-kun.”

         “Would you have cared, though?”

         “…not really.”

         Kazuaki took a sip of his tea. “So what kind of person was Ryuuji-san?”

 

         He gave no reply, simply because he couldn’t.

         Even now, it was difficult to answer that question.

         _“Don’t forget to eat, drink lots of water, and sleep!_

_“We’re going to do ewoowoo, Isa-kun! It’s ewoowoo!_

_“If only you’re my son or something, I’d be one happy daddy!”_

         Yes, Ryuuji was a gentle, likable man. He forgot to do laundry or shower every now and then, but he always cared for others. He always looked out for Isa, always showered him with affection, made sure he ate dinner.

         _“Look at them, Isa-kun! Aren’t they cute?”_

Ryuuji would tuck Miru and Kaku into bed, read them a bedtime story like a good father would. He celebrated Christmas with them all month long. He was always smiling–

         _“I’ll never, ever, leave you behind, alright Isa?”_

         “Iwamine-sensei?”

         Shuu looked up to Kazuaki, who was now holding a box of tissues.

         “Don’t cry. It’s gonna make me look bad, you know.”  
         Shuu took a tissue and wiped his eyes – they were indeed wet with tears.

         “You want some tea?”

         “…no, thank you.”

         “You know, Iwamine-sensei, you’re kind of living under my mercy right now.”

         “I am aware,” Shuu replied. “You’re implying that I should be grateful that you’re letting me live and taking care of me – ”

“Hell no, that’s disgusting.” Kazuaki sighed.

         “Then?”

         Kazuaki looked at him, a glint of surprise in his eyes. “Are you sure you should be showing your weaknesses so openly?”

         “I don’t consider my feelings towards Kawara-sensei a weakness.”

         Kazuaki’s eyes now lit with curiosity. “That’s very interesting.”

         “It’s just like how you feel about your brother,” Shuu said, and he could see Kazuaki stiffen up a little. “That’s not a weakness. We lost those we hold dear to our hearts, and we go on living trying to execute their wishes – didn’t work too well in our cases.”

         Now it was Kazuaki’s turn to be silent. Shuu pulled up his wheelchair to the window, and placed his hands on the windowsill.

        

         Think about it, it all started from wishes.

         A wish to do something for someone, a wish for the world to be at peace,

         And a wish to be loved.

         _Would Kawara-sensei hate me for what I’ve done?  
         _ He looked up to the sky, where the sun shone as brightly as ever, covering all the stars in its shine.

         _“So when you look up into the night sky, remember that I’m up there, somewhere, watching you!”_

“…Are you watching even now, too, Kawara-sensei?”

 

         “You have your gun with you, Nanaki-sensei?”

         “This is a hospital,” Kazuaki replied with a sigh. “I couldn’t have brought it with me even if I wanted to. What, you want to die now?”

         “Yes.”

         _He must be furious with me._

_I had one job, and I failed miserably. All I had to do was to fulfill that one wish, to kill all the humans._

_“There is no power in prayer. I shouldn’t have met you –_

_“Doctor, my wish ends today. Father is no longer in this world…”_

_I don’t want him to see me like this. I don’t want Kawara-sensei to hate me–_

“What’s with the sudden change of heart, Iwamine-sensei? You miss Ryuuji-san that much?”

         “I can’t go on like this,” the boy replied. “But you’re right. I can’t see him like this either –

         “He just… wanted me to do something for his son. That was such a simple wish, and I’d failed to carry it out. He’s going to be so angry that I hurt his son. I…”

        

_I just want to disappear._

_Everything had been a mistake after all. If only Ichijou Utsuro had died in his egg or in the bombing, none of this would have happened._

_Perhaps Kawara-sensei wouldn’t have died then. Perhaps everyone would be better off that way. Not just Kawara-sensei. Maybe my parents, too, and Fujishiro-kun, and Hitori-san…_

_It’s all a mistake. I am a mistake._

“I can’t do that.”

         Kazuaki touched the boy’s chin, directing his face so they were looking straight into each other’s eyes.

         “I’m glad you’re showing remorse – perhaps you’re not that awful after all,” Kazuaki said with his carefree smile. “But I can’t kill you just yet. Yes, Nageki asked me not to, but I also want you to go on living with that remorse.

         “We’re now entering a very exciting phase in our lives, where we no longer live based on what we think we should be doing. Nageki never wanted me to kill you after all, and Ryouta-kun said you can stop trying to fulfill Ryuuji-san’s request. It’s a sign, perhaps, that we should let go of the past, but we’ve been living in the past for so long now without giving a damn about the future.

         “And now it’s time to step into the future. I just want to see how you’ll live with that.” Kazuaki grinned, “Living without the purpose is the worst, don’t you agree? I just wanna see the person who ruined my life suffer for a bit. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure life is a living hell for you, Isa.”

~•~

         “Sakazaki-senpai! You’re alright after all!”

         “Of course.” Yuuya pounded his chest proudly. “A hero of justice doesn’t die that easily, Ryouta.”

         Ryouta was happily eating a bowl of beef bowl as his classmates crowded around him. Okosan was sitting on his right and Anghel on his left, while Sakuya and Yuuya sat in front of him.

         “Coo! Coo! (Ryouta is alive and well! Ryouta is strong!)”

         “Thank you, Okosan!” Ryouta gently patted the fantail’s head. “I’m glad you’re doing well, too!”

         “Coo coo coo? (When will Ryouta be able to run with Okosan again, Sakuya?)”

         “Not for at least a month,” Sakuya sighed. “He still needs a lot of rest. The same goes for Tohsaka…”

         “Kawara-kun~” They all turned around to see Kazuaki walk in with Shuu on his wheelchair. “I’m glad you’re okay!”

         “Ah… Nanaki-sensei…” Everyone in the room tensed up – not surprising, since both teachers almost killed them last month. He turned to the figure sitting on the wheelchair, “Iwamine-sensei, too…”

         “Please don’t fret over what happened! I’ll try not to do that again!” Kazuaki tapped Shuu’s shoulder,” I’m sure that goes for Iwamine-sensei, too!”

         The figure on the wheelchair slowly looked up at Ryouta, only to look away again. Ryouta walked towards them, and carefully took Shuu’s hand.

         “Iwamine-sensei?”

         The figure slowly looked up to Ryouta, and he noticed now how tired and lonely Shuu looked.

         Perhaps it was understandable. All his efforts were in vain; Ryouta imagined being in his shoes, but he couldn’t. The grief must be so difficult to bear –

         “No hard feelings, Iwamine-sensei. It’s all in the past now.”

         The figure kept staring blankly into Ryouta’s eyes without saying anything. Silence hung uncomfortably in the air, as if something was waiting to be said, but couldn’t be.

 

         Ryouta realized then, that he was looking at an empty vessel.

         The person holding his hand right now was not Iwamine Shuu, but it was perhaps what remained of him. The monster that is grief had claimed him entirely –

 

         _“Be happy, Isa. That’s all I ever want for you.”_

“Kawara-snsei,” the figure spoke, “All he wanted was for you to be happy.

         _“What’s happened, happened. We just have to let it_ slide, and keep on living as usual. What matters are the present, and the future…”

         _Isa, Isa, my darling, how has it all come to this?_

“I know.”

         A brown-haired boy in a lab coat was standing by the door, watching them.

         “I know,” Ryouta was talking to the boy. “I don’t hate you for what you have done, Isa-san. Neither did Nageki. But now let’s try and really put the past behind us, alright?”

         The boy smiled as he gave a nod.

         “My job here is done, Kawara Ryouta,” he whispered as he faded away. “I’m glad you do not despise me. You’re… truly a good person.”

~•~

         “Those are some wise words, Iwamine-sensei. If only you’d done exactly that~”

         Kazuaki pushed Shuu’s wheelchair down the hallway while humming a song. Shuu had been silent as a rock since his encounter with Ryouta, and it didn’t seem like he was going to say anything soon.

         “We should go see Hiyoko-chan once her surgery is over, too. When did Sakuya-kun say it will be over again?”

         Shuu remained silent. Kazuaki waited for a response, but after a minute, he sighed and continued humming his song.

         It wasn’t until they got to the end of the hallway that Shuu placed his foot on the floor, forcing Kazuaki to stop.

         “There’s a place I’d like to go to.”

         “That’s no problem, I’ll take you there,” Kazuaki offered, but Shuu shook his head.

         “I have to go alone.”

         “Is it far away from here? I can take you there, leave you alone for a few hours, and then pick you up.”

         “I would appreciate it if you can borrow crutches for me.”

         Kazuaki shrugged apathetically, “If you insist.”

~•~

         It felt as if all the stars had come out to greet him that night.

         The night sky was filled with tiny bright dots, like tiny diamonds embedded in the ceiling. It was a new moon night, making the sky darker and the stars brighter.

         The boy arrived at the top of the hill, which had grasses about as tall as his knees. The grasses rustled as he walked, leaving a faint trail.

         It was a chilly summer night. The winds weren’t particularly strong that night, like it’d be a good evening to take a walk in the woods.

         The boy carefully sat down on the ground and put the crutches next to him. He looked around to see if anyone else was there, but there was none.

 

         _“Quiz time! What are stars made of, Isa-kun!”_

“Hydrogen, helium, nitrogen, carbon… and the souls of birds whose names have returned to the sky.”

         Perhaps that’s why stars are beautiful – because our souls are. Or at least, they are supposed to be.

         _“So when you look up into the night sky, remember that I’m always up there, watching you.”_

The boy could feel it even now.

         The warmth of Ryuuji’s body pressed against his. It felt so familiar, as if Ryuuji had always been there, with him –

         _“I’ll never, ever, leave you behind, alright, Isa?”_

         “It’s true.”

         Isa Souma was looking up into the sky, the stars reflected in his purple eyes.

         “You’ve always been watching me, sensei, and you’ll always be. We can’t change the past, but what matters are the present and the future.”

         _“We’ve been living in the past for so long now without giving a damn without the future.”_

“Look, everyone.” Isa stretched out his hands, as if welcoming the night. “Here I am.

         _It’s exactly as you said, Kawara-sensei. The past can’t change, but the present and the future can._

“I’m going to live on,” he declared. “And I’m going to be happy. At least, I’ll try to be.”

         _I miss you, Kawara-sensei. I can’t wait to see you again._

_But all of that will have to wait now. When I do meet you again –_

~•~

         The shadow crumbled, and the void sank into the darkness.

         The boy stood still as the white void beneath his feet slowly cracked and fell into the darkness.

         The shadow subsided; perhaps it was, too, being swallowed by the darkness.

         Everything was falling into a bigger void, into a deep, dark, endless abyss.

 

         The boy felt himself fall into the darkness – one that had stayed with him from the day he was born.

~•~

         The cockatiel slowly inhaled the smoke coming out of his cigar, and puffed it out into the night air.

         “Pretty weather, huh, Iwamine Shuu?”

         There was no answer.

 

         The partridge was lying on the ground, blood flowing out of a hole in his forehead.

         Leone took the bloodied bullet lying on the grass, and then turned to the corpse that was once Iwamine Shuu.

         Something about the corpse didn’t seem right. It felt as if – as if some life still remained there.

         He should be dead, but that feeling was unshakable. As if some life remained in those cold purple eyes staring off into the distance –

         Leone crouched down and touched the corpse’s neck, trying to find a pulse –

         There was none.

~•~

         It felt like sinking into a deep, cold sea.

         As he sank, in the distance, he saw a faint light.

         As if it was calling out to him, compelling him.

         He continued to sink.

~•~

         Leone was about to reach out his hand to close Shuu’s eyes, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He just didn’t seem… dead.

         Leone took out a small flashlight and shone it on Shuu’s eyes – again, as perhaps expected, nothing.

_…I guess he is dead after all._

Leone threw the gun he was carrying down the hill, and then the crutches. It was simply for good measure – so that if Shuu really was not dead, he wouldn’t be able to leave easily.

         Leone once again reached out his hand to close Shuu’s eyes, but something – just something, didn’t feel right.

         He looked like any normal person who was lying on the ground to enjoy the view of the starry night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehehe


	4. Chapter 4

         The stars formed a long stream that seemed to have no end.

         Like tiny gems floating on a sea in the dark night – imagine floating gently on that sea, with nothing but the sound of waves to accompany you.

         Imagine floating on a sea full of stars, being drifted around gently by the waves, without any care where the land is.

         _Beautiful, isn’t it?_

Imagine now, a beautiful sky full of stars, draped like a blanket above.

         Imagine now, being in the middle of a void filled with stars, being drifted around by the waves, the sound of waves echoing throughout –

 

 

 

         _The boy saw it in a dream._

The boy woke up to find himself alone in a small boat.

         His head was throbbing for a reason that was not apparent to him, but it subsided as soon as he sat up. He looked around –

         He was floating on a vast sea with the brightness of myriads of fireflies, twinkling, bursting with colours. The sea of stars seemed boundless –

         He reached out his hand to catch a star, but he couldn’t. They seemed so close, and yet so far –

         He felt his hand catch something, and quickly clenched his hand to hold it. When he opened his hands, he found a small purple gem, gleaming faintly.

 

         The boat drifted on, pushing through the waves of stars.

         Usually for a boat to move the fluid beneath has to move, too – but the stars seemed static.

         The boy allowed his hand to hang off a side of the boat, as if touching the invisible water beneath. It definitely seemed like the boat was floating on nothing but thin air –

         So far, he had collected three other gems – two red, one yellow – some sugar cubes, and white flower petals. While he had no idea what they were for or how they got there, he placed them in the boat. He’d taken the liberty of eating one of the sugar cubes – they didn’t taste exactly like normal sugar cubes, but they melted in his mouth and tasted sweet.

         The boy then felt his boat hit something, and stopped. He looked at the other side of the boat, and saw that it had hit land. If it can count as a land, that is –

         It looked more like white lines, forming an outline that looked vaguely like land.

         He tried rocking the boat to get it moving again, but it wouldn’t budge. Seeing no other choice, he took the gems he had collected and got out.

 

         The land was actually more solid than it had looked.

         He stood there, looking at the black ground beneath him. Now that he looked closely, the ground was not transparent – it was some kind of black solid ground where the light of the stars can’t pass through.

         He turned around, and saw that the boat was gone.

 

         A butterfly appeared and perched on his shoulder for a second, then flew away. The boy reached out his hands to catch the butterfly, but it seemed to obediently land on his palms instead.

         The butterfly was no bigger than a coin, and it had a strange, pale blue glow, like the gem he picked up.

         The butterfly flew again, but this time, it flew further into the starry night sky. A few seconds later, it stopped mid-air, and started circling the area.

         As if it was telling the boy, “Follow me.”

         The boy wandered into the darkness.

 

         _The boy saw it in a dream – a beautiful world where time doesn’t run, where everything is perfect._

The butterfly led him to a clearing in the middle of a strange city. In front of them stood a grand clock tower, made of red crystals. The clock sitting on top seemed dangerously close to falling – it had no numbers, and no arms either.

         Around the clock tower were a few buildings that looked like houses out of a picture book – they were made of red bricks, with a small door in the centre and two windows on each side, and a chimney –

         The butterfly landed on a frozen fountain in front of the tower – it was made of crystals, too. The frozen water had trapped colourful gems and some red and white flower petals –

         The water had a strange look to it. It wasn’t exactly frozen – it just seemed like it had abruptly stopped and the water never flowed back to the base, so it just froze mid-air. 

         The boy sat down on the edge of the fountain and looked up into the void filled with stars. The butterfly flew no more and was sitting perfectly on the fountain, as if it had become part of the fountain.

         “Pray tell, what is this place?”

         There came no answer.

         The boy looked up at the crystal clock tower, and again noted how unbalanced and fragile the clock looked. Resting on the top of the very slim tower, it looked like it was ready to fall at anytime –

         “Hello there!”

 

         _The boy saw it in a dream – a beautiful world where time doesn’t run, where everything is perfect. A world filled with happiness and wonder._

“Are you new here?”

         A man was approaching the fountain. He was wearing a red royal robe with white fur lining, and a grand crown adorned with various jewels. Most of them are red, but there were some blue and purple ones too. He had a staff in his hand, and hanging from an end was a lantern and a small bell.

         His eyes were so bright and red, as beautiful as rubies.

         “…I…” The boy looked down at his hands, trying to think of an answer. “My boat stopped here, so I got off.”

         “I see! Nice to meet you, then!” The man placed a hand on his chest, “I’m the King of this place! Welcome!”

         The boy hopped off the fountain and bowed down. “It is an honour to meet you. My name is…”

         He abruptly fell silent.

 

         Something… something was missing.

         _What… is my name?_

Usually he would just say his name, real or not. It was like an automatic function. But right now, in front of the King –

         It was a strange feeling. It felt as if a part of his memory had been blocked out. No matter how hard he tried to remember, he couldn’t think of it –

        

         “I can’t…”

         A single tear rolled down the boy’s cheek.

         “I can’t remember my name.”

 

         _A person without a name might as well not exist._

_“I am Isa.”_

_It pains him to remain silent, but the King must not say it._

_The stars are made of the souls of the birds whose names have returned to the skies._

“Don’t start crying, now!”

         The King wiped the boy’s tears with his fingers. The boy looked up at him, his eyes still wet.

         “It’s my kingdom – nobody is allowed to be sad! As for your name, I’m sure you’ll remember it soon!”

         The boy gave a nod. The King lovingly mussed his hair, but he could tell from the boy’s forlorn expression that he was still uncomfortable.

         “Let’s go to my palace! How does that sound?”

         _The boy saw it in a dream – a beautiful world where time doesn’t run, where everything is perfect. A world filled with happiness and wonder. A world akin to a fairytale, a world of dreams._

The King and the boy walked through a forest with shiny translucent red fruits, dangling from crystal trees that emit a faint green light. All the fruits, too, seem to emit a faint red light – they seem to be made of a translucent material and filled with some kind of red liquid inside.

         “Can these fruits be eaten?”

         “I’ve never tried, but I think so!” The King plucked one of them – it had the consistency of a ball of jelly – tore it open, and some of the red liquid spilled out. The King handed part of it to the boy as he took a bit himself

         The fruit melted quickly in his mouth – it tasted like pudding, but much softer.

         “You like it?”

         “It’s… very sweet.”

         “You don’t like sweets? I can make you something else!” The King waved his staff so that the bells rang, and out of thin air, a chocolate cake appeared. The King caught it and handed it to the boy, but he shook his head.

         “I’m fine for now, thank you very much.”

         “Alright, then!” And the cake vanished. “Let’s keep going! It’s not far away from here!”

         The boy looked around the crystal forest as they walked. The trees reflected the light from the stars above them –

         It’s a strange world. The boy felt like he’d been in a place like this before, but he could not remember.

 

The boat will not come.

The night will not end.

 

         And then the boy saw it. Standing among the beautiful crystal trees –

         A shadow. A great shadow, that seemed to have engulfed the ground it stood on.

        

        

_Do you enjoy fairytales?_

_The boy saw it in a dream – a beautiful world where time doesn’t run, where everything is perfect. A world filled with happiness and wonder. A world akin to a fairytale, a world of dreams._

_The king said, we can be happy forevermore here. So please, stay here with me._

_Don’t think. Don’t remember._

_Don’t question anything._

The King quickly covered the boy’s eyes with his hands.

         “Peek-a-boo!”  
         He turned the boy around so that they were facing each other, and kissed his forehead before opening his eyes. The boy seemed slightly flustered now –

         The boy touched his forehead, where the King had just kissed him seconds ago, and smiled.

 

         Lying in the shadow is a monster.

         It’s dead now. Its guts have been pulled out of its body, its face smashed until it was nothing but a lump of meat, its torso torn apart. Its heart had been mounted onto one of the trees, still beating – blood was still pouring out of it, into the shadow. Its brain was scattered on the ground like mush, and it was apparent that someone, something, had repeatedly trampled on it, as if trying to destroy it completely.

 

 

         “Here we are!”

         The King’s palace was a beautiful building, entirely made out of crystals save for the grass floor and shaped like a dome. The sky was visible through the crystals – the night sky was like a ceiling upon them. Red roses and carnations were planted all around the place, their petals scattered over the grass that felt like rabbit fur. In the middle of the space was a grand throne, with moonlight shining on it.

         The King sat down on the grass, so the boy did, too. They looked up at the reflection of the stars on the crystal –

         “…it’s beautiful.”

         The stars reflected on the crystals, and on the boy’s purple eyes. They twinkled in the distance, like small diamonds hanging in the ceiling.

         Just a while ago, the boy was drifting on a boat among those stars.

 

         Somewhere far, far away, where nobody could see nor reach, a star is born.

 

         _Do you enjoy fairytales?_

_The boy saw it in a dream – a beautiful world where time doesn’t run, where everything is perfect._

_Reality crumbles and disappears._

_A world filled with happiness and wonder. A world akin to a fairytale, a world of dreams._

_A world of wishes and dreams that had been crushed by the cruelty of life. Here they are reborn –_

_The king said, we can be happy forevermore here. So please, stay here with me._

_“Be happy, Isa. That’s all I ever want for you…”_

The King could not forget.

         When we return our names to the stars, we’re leaving on a journey into the night. We journey through the night sky, letting go of our memories a little at a time. If you keep clinging to your memories, you can never be reborn.

         But the King could not forget the person he loved so dearly.

         He had been watching – he simply wished for happiness for the boy. He wanted to protect the boy with all his might –

         And he had failed.

 

         _“So when you look up into the night sky, remember that I’m up there, somewhere, watching you!”_

 

         Many, many times, he had watched the boy cry and he couldn’t do anything about it.

 

 

         _“He’s no longer with us.”_

         _“I don’t know. What I’m supposed to do at these times… I haven’t been taught that yet.”_

_“When your father died, my world was… altered.”_

 

 

         It felt horrible. Like someone was stabbing him repeatedly in the chest and not allowing him to die.

         _Tonight, too, as he could only watch as the boy was killed._

The King could not forget, so he stopped his journey and built a kingdom.

         There is no purpose in his journey if he could not forget.

         He built the kingdom so that if the boy were to come visit him, he would find a place for himself where he can be happy, safe from the perils of the world.

         A beautiful utopia where they can be happy together.

 

         The boy turned to look at the King, and smiled.

         “I know who you are,” he said. “You were a very important person to me, back when we were still on Earth.”

         The King did not say anything.

 

         _“What did you say? Don’t talk as if you know me, old man. You no longer know anything, do you?”  
         _

         “So what is this beautiful place, Your Majesty, the King?”  
         “It’s a star,” the King replied. “There’s just the two of us here. Do you like it?”

         The boy rested his head on the King’s chest, “It’s perfect.

         “This way we can be together forever, right, sensei?”

 

         _“Sometimes it horrifies me to think about what the world had done and will do to you. It pains me to know I can’t protect you forever.”_

_But things are different now._

The boy reached out his hand to cup the man’s cheek, and looked up into his bright red eyes.

         “I love you.”

        

         A confession long overdue.          

         Long, long time ago, he’d meant to say that, but he couldn’t.

         Because he didn’t know what it is like to love, or to be loved. After all, you don’t know if something is valuable to you until you lose it.

         The words that were lost, the feelings that were buried –

 

         “A world without strife, where no one _will have a loved one stolen from them – “_

“I love you too.”

         The man lovingly mussed the boy’s hair, and held him close to his cold body.

         “Let’s stay together like this forever,” he muttered. “Everything is going to be fine. We’re safe here, and nobody will be able to take you away from here.”

_The world is a lie._

“It’s a beautiful world,” the boy said with a smile. “I can get used to this.”

         “We’ll be happy here,” the man said. “Nobody is allowed to be sad here, alright?”

         “I know,” the boy gave a nod, “I won’t be, with you here by my side, sensei.”

         “We’ll be together, forever, alright?”

         “Yes, sensei – it’s just as we’d wished before.”

 

_Please stay with me._

_I don’t want anyone to hurt you._

_You deserve to be happy,_

_my dear Isa._

         For time to disappear and for everything to crumble beneath them,

         so that nothing in the world would ever be able to separate them.

~•~

         _Do you enjoy fairytales?_

_Those sickening fantasy stories where everything seems perfect, lies we tell children to hide the truth of our harsh reality._

_The boy saw it in a dream – a beautiful world where time doesn’t run, where everything is perfect._

_Reality crumbles like a cake and disappears into oblivion. It is but an unwanted piece of truth._

_A world filled with happiness and wonder. A world akin to a fairytale, a world of dreams._

_How disgusting._

_A world of wishes and dreams that had been crushed by the cruelty of life. Here they are reborn and realized._

_The world is a lie._

_The king said, we can be happy forevermore here. So please, stay here with me._

_We enjoy fairytales simply because_

_they’re too good to be real._

_The boy said, it is a beautiful world. I shall stay here forever._

_And the two of them lived happily_

_forever_

_and ever,_

_and after._

_The world is but a cage from which they cannot escape._

_They could’ve escaped, but the fear of reality held them back._

_Here in this world of lies they will rot and vanish._

_How wonderful._

         How wonderful, indeed.

_Such a bullshit ending to a farce._

 

 

 

You are now a star.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sighs  
> (so) so technically since shuu is dead the story has ended but there are so many gaps to fill and thus i shall fill them in my own time  
> this right here is basically uploaded for my beta readers so


End file.
